He Never Cared About Me

He never cared about me...…….

    Can you care about someone and not love someone? 

            Is it possible to love someone but be unable to care for them or care about them?

In the dictionary the definition of care is: 
   --the provision of what is necessary for the health, welfare, maintenance, and protection of someone or something.
   --feel concern or interest; attach importance to something
   --look after and provide for the needs of

     The most infamous definition of love comes from 1 Corinthians 13. Love is patient, kind, does not envy. Love is not arrogant or rude. Love is not self-seeking. Love does not keep any records of wrong. Love bears all things, hopes all things, believes all things and endures all things. 

    1 Peter 5: 7 states, " Cast all your anxiety on him because He cares for you". 


       I remember growing up hearing about and going through the love language workbook and study. How each of us feel loved is unique to each of us. I know my love languages are spending time, words of affirmation and physical touch. Experts say it takes 13 hugs a day to thrive in life :-) 
   When you are in a relationship you have to learn about each other and continually figure out the best way to love each other right? Well it takes two to tango as I heard many, many times near the end. 

Best lies I was told:
 " You have to teach me and tell me step by step how to care for you" ( 8 years into the marriage)

" I didn't realize how cold you were and that you wanted the heat to the house fixed right away" It was the middle of winter and 58 degrees in the house. I had spent 2 months in lots of layers and blankets. Also I didn't fix it myself because I was working nights and 72 hour work weeks at the time. ( 8 years into the marriage) 

" I do things in the house. I clean the toilet and feed the cats. You just don't notice all that I do because you are always gone.You never notice what I do around the house" ( 6 years in) 

" When you ask me to do a list of chores or I feel like I have to check boxes off for  things around the house, I don't feel like I can be myself". ( 8 years in) 

"I didn't work and just did school to support you. Because all I ever wanted was for you to have something so you could support yourself if I wasn't around". 
(8 1/2 years in) 

The words that hurt me still are: "I love you" and " Hey there my love". 
               Why do those words hurt?
   
  Imagine coming home after being gone all weekend, other than to crash in bed for about 4 or 5 hours before going back to work and then class, to find the house exactly as you left it on Friday? So you leave Friday afternoon for night shift and there is a pile of dishes in the sink. A laundry basket full of clothes. The carpets need vacuumed in the house as well as sweeping. And somewhere in there it would probably be good to cook the food that is sitting in the fridge because eating out is tight on the current house hold budget. One person works 48 hours and school 24-36 hours a week(oh yeah and homework somewhere in there). While the other person goes to school 2-3 days a week for 4-6 hours on each of those days and that sums up their week. And the house as you left it on Friday is exactly the same when you return to reality on Monday night. The sad part is that was a regular occurrence in the house. Do you think that person really meant I love you? 

     So back to the questions at the beginning...…..can you say you love someone and not care for them or care about them? Can you care for someone and not love them? 

Those words, I love you and hey there my love, sting. To think that someone could say I love you and treat me like I was an extra or a burden hurts. Feeling like I was the left over. I was the maid, the cook and paycheck. Oh yeah and on some occasions when He felt "in the mood and not tired" I was his sex object. As long as I was appealing enough and did what he asked. 

      The lies I believed about myself: 
I am not enough. 
I am not wanted. 
Nobody wants to be around me. 
I am seriously flawed and unable to not cause problems in a relationship. 
I am not beautiful. 
I am not smart. 
I am not loveable. 
I am to pessimistic. 

   I was told every day for several years, in some way, all of these lies by someone who told me that they loved me. The heartbreak sadness about it all was at one point I believed all of them. I believed them to the point I just wanted to disappear from life permanently.


But...….God rescued me. He placed family, coworkers and friends in my life to help pull me out of the darkness and into the light. Through the people in my life he reminded me of the truth.

Truth I am relearning about myself:
I am enough just as I am. warts and all. 
I am wanted. I am wanted as a daughter, sister, friend and coworker. And they want me to stick around for a while. 
Yes I am imperfect but I am loveable and forgivable. 
I am fearfully and beautifully made. 
When I am loved and reminded of the light, I see the good in everything.

No he did not care about me. No he did not love me. BUT I am a daughter of the king. So I straighten my crown and get back up again for another day.

To start again you must first say goodbye

        For there to be a beginning there must first be an ending.....

Admitting it is over.... life as I knew it and built it to be, is over. Every attempt to fix it or change it has been done. It didn't have to end this way. It didn't have to be this way. Yet here I am. To move forward you have to let go. So this is my first attempt at letting go...…

Saying goodbye to...…
       
      All of the emotional, mental and physical pain over the years. Saying goodbye to every day hearing I am not enough. If I only I could do more.....if only I was prettier....

        Being alone. Going to bed alone. Sitting in a house alone. Sitting in a room with a person sitting next to you, that was suppose to be your best friend....and still feeling alone.

         Dreams. Dreams of building a life with that someone. A family. A home. Hoping and wishing just maybe they will figure themselves out and dream with you again.

       My identity. No longer a wife. No longer having the position as a married person. Instead carrying the awkwardness and in some places the shame of divorce. Instead of people asking me about my story, already deciding what to believe about me.

     My comfort. Daily routine and comfort. My own space and domain. Knowing what I was up against and what was my unknown.

   My pride. Being completely humbled and brought low. Seeing the mistakes I've made and the hurt I caused. Knowing I don't have a clue what to do from here except take it one day at a time. Knowing I can't do it by myself.
   
          With goodbyes though comes new beginnings...……

      A chance to be me. Instead of waking up every day hiding who I am, I get to be me.
" For I am fearfully and wonderfully made....". 
         
     To hope again. Hope that tomorrow is a new day. A new chance to live the life I was always meant to live. Hope that the dreams I once had are still possible.
"A hope that does not disappoint. A hope that anchors the soul...".
 
    Freedom. Freedom to choose without fear or fighting. Freedom to say no. Freedom to be whatever I want to be. Freedom to enjoy life and be silly.


   I sleep peacefully for the first time in several years. I don't wake up and think life would be better off without me in it. No this is not where I thought I would end up. No I am not ok.

But...…...….there is hope. God is big. God is always up to something. God rescued me. I had to take a huge step of faith and trust that God had my back. Trust that he truly did have a way out if I wanted it. In the bible when people mourned they tore their clothes and poured ashes on top of them. For the longest time I always thought that was so dramatic. I now fully understand why that is so fitting in a time of grief.

" In this world you will have trouble. But take heart, I have overcome the world". 

One day I won't think twice about trusting someone. One day I will be able to fully dream again without reservation. One day he won't haunt my dreams and my memories. One day at a time.

Ask me my story if you really want to know and I will be more than happy to share. I will be honest but I will not be hateful. I loved deeply and whole heartedly for almost 8 1/2 years so please don't ask me to hate.

So this is my goodbye...… and my new beginning