To start again you must first say goodbye

        For there to be a beginning there must first be an ending.....

Admitting it is over.... life as I knew it and built it to be, is over. Every attempt to fix it or change it has been done. It didn't have to end this way. It didn't have to be this way. Yet here I am. To move forward you have to let go. So this is my first attempt at letting go...…

Saying goodbye to...…
       
      All of the emotional, mental and physical pain over the years. Saying goodbye to every day hearing I am not enough. If I only I could do more.....if only I was prettier....

        Being alone. Going to bed alone. Sitting in a house alone. Sitting in a room with a person sitting next to you, that was suppose to be your best friend....and still feeling alone.

         Dreams. Dreams of building a life with that someone. A family. A home. Hoping and wishing just maybe they will figure themselves out and dream with you again.

       My identity. No longer a wife. No longer having the position as a married person. Instead carrying the awkwardness and in some places the shame of divorce. Instead of people asking me about my story, already deciding what to believe about me.

     My comfort. Daily routine and comfort. My own space and domain. Knowing what I was up against and what was my unknown.

   My pride. Being completely humbled and brought low. Seeing the mistakes I've made and the hurt I caused. Knowing I don't have a clue what to do from here except take it one day at a time. Knowing I can't do it by myself.
   
          With goodbyes though comes new beginnings...……

      A chance to be me. Instead of waking up every day hiding who I am, I get to be me.
" For I am fearfully and wonderfully made....". 
         
     To hope again. Hope that tomorrow is a new day. A new chance to live the life I was always meant to live. Hope that the dreams I once had are still possible.
"A hope that does not disappoint. A hope that anchors the soul...".
 
    Freedom. Freedom to choose without fear or fighting. Freedom to say no. Freedom to be whatever I want to be. Freedom to enjoy life and be silly.


   I sleep peacefully for the first time in several years. I don't wake up and think life would be better off without me in it. No this is not where I thought I would end up. No I am not ok.

But...…...….there is hope. God is big. God is always up to something. God rescued me. I had to take a huge step of faith and trust that God had my back. Trust that he truly did have a way out if I wanted it. In the bible when people mourned they tore their clothes and poured ashes on top of them. For the longest time I always thought that was so dramatic. I now fully understand why that is so fitting in a time of grief.

" In this world you will have trouble. But take heart, I have overcome the world". 

One day I won't think twice about trusting someone. One day I will be able to fully dream again without reservation. One day he won't haunt my dreams and my memories. One day at a time.

Ask me my story if you really want to know and I will be more than happy to share. I will be honest but I will not be hateful. I loved deeply and whole heartedly for almost 8 1/2 years so please don't ask me to hate.

So this is my goodbye...… and my new beginning